Friday, 25 April 2014
After the second time my Psychiatrist sexually abused me I was starting to question my sanity. I really wasn't sure when I woke up whether my psychiatrist really was sexually abusing me? Or whether it was my subconscious playing tricks with me? Or was it the heap of strong psychiatric drugs that I had been forced to take? Or was I just lucid dreaming? It was so hard to know and I honestly didn't know whether what was happening was real or not?
However I kept on remembering him stroking my hair the night before as well as him kissing me quite passionately on the lips whilst telling me that he "really wanted me right now", in the Consulting room. Now that was something I am sure any patient would have a very hard time forgetting! So at least I knew that this had actually happened to me back then.
But what was really getting to me was the previous night's exploits. What the hell was happening to me? Is this what happens when people go insane? I thought to myself surely this can't be happening to me especially as I had always been so strong my entire life. No matter what life threw at me, I always just coped with it somehow. But now my defences were so low that at times I couldn't quite remember my full name sometimes and my address or even where I worked?
I seemed to be locked into a living nightmare where it seemed that I just couldn't wake up. What am I to do? I thought to myself. Then I realised if my boyfriend ever found out about what my psychiatrist was doing? That’s if he was really doing what I felt sure he was, he would want to get really want to get him. So I knew that I couldn't tell him or even my Mother. I could just imagine the shock she would feel. As well as being very, very angry at him.
Then I thought to myself WTF do I do now? Whom do I tell and how can I even prove it even happened? Who of the staff are going to believe a woman in a psychiatric clinic (hospital) whom has had a major nervous breakdown to use layman's terms. Or would they believe my psychiatrist? I think it’s quite obvious whom they would listen to right!
Then I thought to myself maybe I could tell another patient whom I had become friendly with like Fiona. The one I unfortunately lunged at whilst I was taking the SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor). I felt dreadfully guilty and ashamed about that entire episode. However Fiona who happened to also be an RN (Registered Nurse) in her own career seemed to understand that it really was the Zoloft and not me. As once I was taken off it all aggressive type behaviour disappeared with it thank goodness.
I do remember being put on another type of SSRI but I honestly can't remember the name of it now unfortunately? But I was still taking 1mg of Xanax four times a day and that's a pretty high dose for somebody taking Xanax as all added up I was taking 4mg a day which is a darn lot of Xanax which is the most highly addictive of all the Benzodiazapine group of drugs. Mainly because it hits you (works) so quickly. Far more quickly than either Diazepam (valium) or any of the other benzo's apart from Rohypnol of course. It took much longer to work but when it did. WHAM.....it just hit my brain and body to the point where I had to lie down as soon as possible otherwise I risked collapsing in the corridor or somewhere else in the Clinic.
I was also taking 200mg Chlorpromazine, morning and night. I was also allowed to have a smaller dose of Chlorpromazine PRN (medical jargon for when you need it and ask for it). Then of course a large dose of Rohypnol every single night. I have no idea of the dosage as from what I remember nobody told me. One thing I did know for sure was that it was really strong and enough to knock out an "elephant" especially combined with all my other drugs.
I’d just been in the smoking room with Fiona and she told me that she’d heard that Dr C would be coming in tonight. I said that I had thought that he was'nt due to Consult with patients until tomorrow. I thought to myself, I wonder why Dr C is coming in tonight for?
Later on that night after I had taken all my sedating night time medication, I was in bed and heard what sounded like Dr C talking to one of the Night Nurses not far from my room out in the corridor somewhere. I couldn't hear exactly what they were saying. But I did hear them mention my name a couple of time and I wondered why?
I was to find out later on. But at the time I wasn't concerned and drifted off into my drug induced sleep.
That night later on, I honestly had no idea of the time or place. Or whether I was really awake or not? I heard footsteps in my room. I knew that someone was in my room, but whom? I was feeling really scared and quite paranoid about it all. Then I felt someone touching my hair and stroking it. I kept on trying to open my eyes, but it was as if they were paralysed and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't open them. However I could still hear and feel and that’s all I had to go by at the time.
I thought back then that I must have been having a lucid dream as I usually tend to have them a lot, long before my breakdown. So I was dreaming that some handsome man was stroking my hair over and over. Then the man was kissing me all around my neck and then finally on my lips. It all felt sweet at the time as it was just a dream. Then the man in the dream gradually pulled up my PJ top and he then started touching my breasts and fondling them quite gently and then a bit tighter.
Then he really squeezed one of my nipples really hard and it hurt. I thought to myself, why is my dream turning out like this for? Then in my “dream” the man began to squeeze my other nipple but not quite as hard. My nipples felt totally erect and then he began to lick it and suck them. The man in my dream was making me feel so horny that it surprised me. In my dream I became really wet and just wanted my “dream man” to go down there and fulfill me.
Then my “dream man” whilst still playing with one breast and nipple, put his other hand right down on my pubic mound, he was touching it and then squeezing it with his entire hand and if felt so good. I just wanted my dream man to touch my clit and put his fingers inside me. I wanted it so much after all I thought it was just an erotic sex dream, nothing more at the time. Not surprising I thought as I was stuck in hospital and not sleeping with my boyfriend every night as usual. I also hadn't even felt sexual at all since my breakdown. So I thought it was a sign that I was gradually getting better.
After this my “dream man” began to stroke my inner thighs with his one hand. Then he began to gently stroke the outside of my vagina and again it felt so good that I just felt like I wanted my “dream man” inside of me so bad. Then after I don’t know how long he teased me, he then finally began stroking my clitoris. He gradually went faster and faster and I was getting wetter and wetter. Then just as I was starting to cum, my “dream man” stopped. I felt so cheated and thought why the hell did he do that?
He obviously wanted this experience to last for awhile, unlike the other much quicker episodes that I still wasn't quite sure of. I often think I was like a live “doll” to him and that he loved having this “power over me”. He obviously enjoyed what he was doing or he wouldn't have done it, right! Also by this stage everything was starting to seem a bit real to me. Then I suddenly realised where I was and who was doing this to me. I felt confused as I knew that he shouldn't be doing this to me. But at the same time it felt so good to me. I couldn't move properly anyway, so somehow my psyche went along with it. It’s really hard to put into words what was happening to me at that time. But at that exact time, whether it was a “dream man” or Dr C? I just knew that I wanted to climax as soon as possible.
So then “he” started all over again, teasing me and playing with my clit over and over. I wanted to arch my hips towards him but found it hard to do because of all the drugs in my system. Then as he was stroking my clit and all around my inner vagina, he suddenly plunged his longest finger so deeply inside of me. He started slowly but as soon as he went faster I came straight away. I just couldn't help it at the time I felt so incredibly wet. I knew that I really had cum as when I did my orgasm went on for ages and was really intense!
Then after I had been satisfied my “dream man” got out his penis and he got up at the bottom of my bed and began rubbing his penis outside of my vagina but without any penetration. He did this over and over again and was making me feel horny all over again. Then suddenly it seemed like he was convulsing as he orgasm'ed, he pulled right away from me and then all his semen went into his own hand. He then got off the bed quite quickly. Then I’m sure he went in my ensuite bathroom to clean up and tidy up before leaving my room.
In my next blog I will continue to write about how this unethical psychiatrist’s sexual abuse escalated and how the abusive “Nurse Ratchett” type Nurse literally went out of her way to “trigger” me and how and why I had to hide from her.......but for how long? And what was going to happen to me then?