After the second time my Psychiatrist sexually abused me I was
starting to question my sanity. I really wasn't sure when I woke up whether my
psychiatrist really was sexually abusing me? Or whether it was my subconscious
playing tricks with me? Or was it the heap of strong psychiatric drugs that I
had been forced to take? Or was I just lucid dreaming? It was so hard to know
and I honestly didn't know whether what was happening was real or not?
However I kept on remembering him stroking my hair the night before as
well as him kissing me quite passionately on the lips whilst telling me that he
"really wanted me right now", in the Consulting room. Now that was
something I am sure any patient would have a very hard time forgetting! So at
least I knew that this had actually happened to me back then.
But what was really getting to me was the previous night's exploits.
What the hell was happening to me? Is this what happens when people go insane?
I thought to myself surely this can't be happening to me especially as I had
always been so strong my entire life. No matter what life threw at me, I always
just coped with it somehow. But now my defences were so low that at times I
couldn't quite remember my full name sometimes and my address or even where I
worked?
I seemed to be locked into a living nightmare where it seemed that I
just couldn't wake up. What am I to do? I thought to myself. Then I realised if
my boyfriend ever found out about what my psychiatrist was doing? That’s if he
was really doing what I felt sure he was, he would want to get really want to
get him. So I knew that I couldn't tell him or even my Mother. I could just
imagine the shock she would feel. As well as being very, very angry at him.
Then I thought to myself WTF do I do now? Whom do I tell and how can
I even prove it even happened? Who of the staff are going to believe a woman in
a psychiatric clinic (hospital) whom has had a major nervous breakdown to use
layman's terms. Or would they believe my psychiatrist? I think it’s quite
obvious whom they would listen to right!
Then I thought to myself maybe I could tell another patient whom I
had become friendly with like Fiona. The one I unfortunately lunged at whilst I
was taking the SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor). I felt dreadfully
guilty and ashamed about that entire episode. However Fiona who happened to
also be an RN (Registered Nurse) in her own career seemed to understand that it
really was the Zoloft and not me. As once I was taken off it all aggressive
type behaviour disappeared with it thank goodness.
I do remember being put on another type of SSRI but I honestly can't
remember the name of it now unfortunately? But I was still taking 1mg of Xanax
four times a day and that's a pretty high dose for somebody taking Xanax as all
added up I was taking 4mg a day which is
a darn lot of Xanax which is the most highly addictive of all the
Benzodiazapine group of drugs. Mainly because it hits you (works) so quickly.
Far more quickly than either Diazepam (valium) or any of the other benzo's
apart from Rohypnol of course. It took much longer to work but when it did. WHAM.....it
just hit my brain and body to the point where I had to lie down as soon as
possible otherwise I risked collapsing in the corridor or somewhere else in the
Clinic.
I was also taking 200mg Chlorpromazine, morning and night. I was
also allowed to have a smaller dose of Chlorpromazine PRN (medical jargon for
when you need it and ask for it). Then of course a large dose of Rohypnol every
single night. I have no idea of the dosage as from what I remember nobody told
me. One thing I did know for sure was that it was really strong and enough to
knock out an "elephant" especially combined with all my other drugs.
I’d just been in the smoking room with Fiona and she told me that
she’d heard that Dr C would be coming in tonight. I said that I had thought
that he was'nt due to Consult with patients until tomorrow. I thought to
myself, I wonder why Dr C is coming in tonight for?
Later on that night after I had taken all my sedating night time
medication, I was in bed and heard what sounded like Dr C talking to one of the
Night Nurses not far from my room out in the corridor somewhere. I couldn't hear exactly what they were saying. But I did hear them mention my name a
couple of time and I wondered why?
I was to find out later on. But at the time I wasn't concerned and
drifted off into my drug induced sleep.
That night later on, I honestly had no idea of the time or place. Or
whether I was really awake or not? I heard footsteps in my room. I knew that someone
was in my room, but whom? I was feeling really scared and quite paranoid about
it all. Then I felt someone touching my hair and stroking it. I kept on trying
to open my eyes, but it was as if they were paralysed and no matter how hard I
tried, I just couldn't open them. However I could still hear and feel and that’s
all I had to go by at the time.
I thought back then that I must have been having a lucid dream as I
usually tend to have them a lot, long before my breakdown. So I was dreaming
that some handsome man was stroking my hair over and over. Then the man was
kissing me all around my neck and then finally on my lips. It all felt sweet at
the time as it was just a dream. Then the man in the dream gradually pulled up
my PJ top and he then started touching my breasts and fondling them quite
gently and then a bit tighter.
Then he really squeezed one of my nipples really hard and it hurt. I
thought to myself, why is my dream turning out like this for? Then in my “dream”
the man began to squeeze my other nipple but not quite as hard. My nipples felt
totally erect and then he began to lick it and suck them. The man in my dream
was making me feel so horny that it surprised me. In my dream I became really wet
and just wanted my “dream man” to go down there and fulfill me.
Then my “dream man” whilst still playing with one breast and nipple,
put his other hand right down on my pubic mound, he was touching it and then
squeezing it with his entire hand and if felt so good. I just wanted my dream
man to touch my clit and put his fingers inside me. I wanted it so much after
all I thought it was just an erotic sex dream, nothing more at the time. Not
surprising I thought as I was stuck in hospital and not sleeping with my
boyfriend every night as usual. I also hadn't even felt sexual at all since my
breakdown. So I thought it was a sign that I was gradually getting better.
After this my “dream man” began to stroke my inner thighs with his
one hand. Then he began to gently stroke the outside of my vagina and again it
felt so good that I just felt like I wanted my “dream man” inside of me so bad.
Then after I don’t know how long he teased me, he then finally began stroking
my clitoris. He gradually went faster and faster and I was getting wetter and
wetter. Then just as I was starting to cum, my “dream man” stopped. I felt so
cheated and thought why the hell did he do that?
He obviously wanted this experience to last for awhile, unlike the
other much quicker episodes that I still wasn't quite sure of. I often think I was like a live “doll” to him
and that he loved having this “power over me”. He obviously enjoyed what he was
doing or he wouldn't have done it, right!
Also by this stage everything was starting to seem a bit real to me.
Then I suddenly realised where I was and who was doing this to me. I felt
confused as I knew that he shouldn't be doing this to me. But at the same time
it felt so good to me. I couldn't move properly anyway, so somehow my psyche
went along with it. It’s really hard to put into words what was happening to me
at that time. But at that exact time, whether it was a “dream man” or Dr C? I
just knew that I wanted to climax as soon as possible.
So then “he” started all over again, teasing me and playing with my
clit over and over. I wanted to arch my hips towards him but found it hard to
do because of all the drugs in my system. Then as he was stroking my clit and
all around my inner vagina, he suddenly plunged his longest finger so deeply
inside of me. He started slowly but as soon as he went faster I came straight
away. I just couldn't help it at the time I felt so incredibly wet. I knew that
I really had cum as when I did my orgasm went on for ages and was really
intense!
Then after I had been satisfied my “dream man” got out his penis and
he got up at the bottom of my bed and began rubbing his penis outside of my
vagina but without any penetration. He did this over and over again and was
making me feel horny all over again. Then suddenly it seemed like he was
convulsing as he orgasm'ed, he pulled right away from me and then all his semen
went into his own hand. He then got off the bed quite quickly. Then I’m sure he
went in my ensuite bathroom to clean up and tidy up before leaving my room.
In my next blog I will continue to write about how this unethical
psychiatrist’s sexual abuse escalated and how the abusive “Nurse Ratchett” type
Nurse literally went out of her way to “trigger” me and how and why I had to hide
from her.......but for how long? And what was going to happen to me then?